Suffering and being complete.

[Teleguy]

I have always felt "less than."
There were pieces of me missing.
For much of my life I wished I were someone else.

I was an angry person by M.O.
Some wise folks would say that was connected to fear, or emotional insecurity.
I didn't see that or agree with it: just that the best defense was a strong offense and a pre-emptive strike. I was hell on wheels.

Even after becoming born again into Jesus (July, 1976) a sense of failure at living up to the precepts of Christianity dogged my steps, and a great malaise would often overtake me from behind.

I hated my life. My job was like a sentence.

I tried to redouble my efforts at ministering: helping out in local congregations and taking on commitments for tough stuff like jail ministry and drug rehab work with others. I wanted to be zealous for the Lord, but inside I was very aware of my failings.

God developed in me some kind of mental toughness I never knew I possesed and I was able to stick it out in marraige and employment for long terms of just gut bustin' grinding it out.

I tried to present well but there didn't seem to be much joy in anything. But since Vietnam I was used to life in general seeming to be meaningless, and would say things like, "Happiness is a state of mind reserved for little children. Grown men must be responsible for their actions." Real cheery stuff to be around.

When our middle (grown) son Bradley, was diagnosed with Lymphoma at stage IV, I knew it was just going to be another trial in a long series of witnessing God's miracles, and prayed, got the Peace, and waited.

It did not go as I had come to expect. I prayed harder, for the big miracle healing.

At the end, when our Brad was reduced to an ancient, incontinent, unable-to-speak shadow of himself, I stopped praying for that big miracle healing. It would be too cruel for him to continue to suffer, trapped in that body. He lasted 22 months from diagnosis, and died April 18, 2008 after a horrendous struggle with all the indignities disease can put a person through. At the end I doubt he knew what was up. He was out of it. I held his hand as he breathed his last.

My family was devastated. My wife and daughter, and eldest son, remained at the VA hospital's "Fischer House" one more night as I drove home alone.

I was confused, desolate, and hurting.

Halfway home I stopped to coffee up at a small cafe on the coast. There I chucked it all: my faith, belief system, world view, and all constructs about what I thought I "knew" about this life (and/or "the next").

God was still there.

I had ignored the miracles all around us on a daily basis while I prayed for the bar I had set pretty high for God: the big healing miracle.

Naturally I came to a new understanding as time went on, about what God's promises were. And of course I had to admit God had broken no promises. The words of Jesus took on a new meaning apart from my own interpretation, and I began to understand, and accept.

When our son died, I had died. And that was the best thing for me!

No longer hypnotized by my ego identity (THAT is who dies!) I could see with new eyes.

I continued church and serving on the Worship team, and now there was love in my heart that wasn't from me or my "presenting well." I was love born from a recognition that things are -as they are- and God is with us through them.

Nothing can separate us from the Love of God which is in Christ Jesus, and this I know. Beyond my constructs, and beyond the god I hang in the sky, there is God's love within me. And that is meaning enough for this old soldier.
And there is the joy of witnessing that what is - is! And I am not separate from it, or God, through Jesus Christ: whose words are so truthfully pure Love.

Okay, enough sentimentality! On with it:

Yesterday (Sunday) we played about eight Worship songs as usual, then Micayla did a special song: one she had written after her 17 year old cousin had been murdered on a local beach a couple/three years ago.

Now, I had played on the recording session for this tune as it was part of a CD project, and we have played it since many times, and I am pretty familiar with it. But yesterday she decided to just sing along to the track as accompianment, instead of using the Worship band. OK, no problemo. I found a seat in the congregation.

It is a song of suffering called "Hide Me" (under the shadow of Your wings).

The refrain pressed in on me. The Holy Spirit gave me a Word of knowledge as she sang these words: "...asking that this cup pass from me, NOT MY WILL BUT THINE BE DONE!..."

I recognized that in sharing in the sufferings of Christ: I had been made complete!

I am NOT "less than," I have been made complete! God has designed me and brought me to be what it is He has created me to be, and I am complete!

There is no question of meaning or things being as they are or as God would have then in His Perfect Will! THEY ARE, and always will be, in His perfect will. Nothing can change that. It is only my understanding and awareness that has changed.

And I am complete.

And free to continue to GROW as He leads, into further development and understanding.

Completion is brought about by sharing in the sufferings of Christ. I know that now.

And either you do too.

Or you will.

[stephen]

Wow. Thank you for putting all that into words. I know that took a lot, but it blessed me.

[Strat-tastic]

Thank You Jesus for loving Teleguy in his suffering and making him complete. Thank You for loving us all and showing us the true way to real life.
Amen

Thanks Steve, what a blessing.

[Kitty]

I have long believed that what we think of as "bad," is actually a tool in the hands of a loving Father. But it's difficult to express that to people who will not hear it, who have to have all the answers.

I hear you, brother.

And while I grieve with you for the loss of your son, I am also grateful with you for the way you've been changed.

[scooteraz]

Thanks for that amazing testimony. Helps us keep in perspective.

[Crunchyriff]

Sharp are the tools the Lord uses on us in His workshop. Teleguy, thank you for this word.
Many believers refuse the brokenness the cross demands; but only upon total death to ourselves do we really perceive the Kingdom of God. And if we can't perceive it, we can't receive it.

[Strat-tastic]

There is great truth revealed here. The difficulty for the Christian is to grasp it and live it out.

[stephen]

I have come back to this, "Spiritual revelation" several times.

Clearly, this was a revealing of the Heart of the Holy Spirit towards us. If He is the Teacher of life, and we are His students, and He basically gave us the answer for the test.

I have shared this with a few folks, and it has been a blessing for them, as they have gone through difficult times with loved ones passing away.

And now, after much prayer, there is another person I want to share this with:

Almost 4 years ago, my Mother-In-Law passed away after suffering from Alzheimers for nearly 20 years, and all the complications that come from it. My wife has been in a spiritual desert ever since. The only thing she will tell me is, she has "issues", and clams up, and wont let me in. My attempts to gently crack this shell, well, lets say "ugly" is not descriptive enough of a word, so I have been patient, prayerful, and waiting on the Lord.

I believe this is from God, from His Heart, and I will be sharing this with Anna today.

[Micter]

Trials are meant to make us more like Jesus. So why do we hate the very thing that God wants to use to make us more like his glorious Son? That was usually my reaction for many years.

Since we are spilling our guts here............

In Nov 2001 I came home from work to find a note from my now ex that said "I'm gone" I was sort of shocked and didn't really know if it was permanent or if she was just visiting a friend or something. My neighbor later told me that he saw her loading up a bunch of luggage and that the police had been there. Now I'm really wondering what the heck is going on. In just a few minutes the cops knock on my door and haul me off and charged me with 3 felonies. I called my boss at the time from County jail to tell him I wouldn't be around for a while. When he asked me what was going on, I told him. His response "Did you do it?" I asked him "how long have you known me?" He said "12 years, OK you didn't do it. Hang tight and I will get you out" He bailed me out in just a couple of hours. I ended up having to go through a jury trial to prove my innocence. It was a week long trial that ended with an acquittal. after the trial I walked out to my car and there was the jury standing right there. They told me that they saw right through her amongst other things. The bottom line is she lied and told the cops that I beat her. Her motivation was to get a greencard through a sort of amnesty that is afforded to victims of domestic violence. Then started the family law battle which took over 7 years. During this whole ordeal I bucked, cried, complained, hated, and every thing you could think of. When it was all over I was a stronger man of God and far more patient. Now I thank the God I love and serve for that trial. I couldn't see at the time what he was trying to do.

Back to my earlier statement, why do we hate the things that God wants to use to make us more like his Son? There is a reason Jesus called us sheep.