Public Service Announcement re TROMBONE legislation

[Pearly Gator]

Applying the same logic that brought us "Guns don't kill people, people do," we conclude:

Trombones don't play out of tune, trombone players do. Come to think of it, there are other similarities as well. In the wrong hands, a trombone can be a dangerous weapon Each year thousands are people are killed, maimed or annoyed by trombones. Trombones should be stored out of reach of children.

There is currently legislation pending in Congress to restrict the sale of
trombones and equip them with child safety devices. The powerful trombone lobby is, of course, opposed to this. There have been various proposals for requiring a so called "trigger lock."

Efforts to enact a mandatory 10 day waiting period to purchase a trombone have been heretofore been thwarted. This would allow a period of time for law enforcement to cross check the purchaser's name against a national list of registered trombone offenders.

Law enforcement officials are particularly alarmed over the increase in
crimes involving use of the "sawed off" trombone or "sackbut."

One response is the increased sentencing for those using a trombone while
committing a crime (use a trombone - go to jail). This has been especially
effective when used in conjunction with the new "Three sharps, you're out"
laws passed in many states.

The automatic and semi-automatic models are much more dangerous than the traditional single note trombone. The awesome destructive power of the double trigger bass trombone could never have been imagined by the founding fathers when they granted us the right to keep and arm bears.

Remember: When trombones are outlawed, only outlaws will play "I'm Gettin' Sentimental Over You".

[LesStrat]

While we're at it, we should restrict the use of bread as well.

1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters!

2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests!

3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations!

4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread!

5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and osteoporosis!

7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days!

8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts!

9: Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person!

10: Newborn babies can choke on bread!

11: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute!

12: It's been proven beyond a doubt that both serial killers and vicious corporate CEO's like Walt Disney, Michael Dell and Dave Thomas have eaten bread regularly!

and most shocking of all:

13: Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling!!!!

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

1: No sale of bread to minors.

2: No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.

3: A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5: A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.

6. Pass LAWS!! Remember the Control Freaks' Credo: "Shoot First, Get Understanding Later" (Coerce FIRST; Persuade LATER -- if at all).

Please notify everyone you know who might care about this crucial issue.

[Crunchyriff]

USE A TROMBONE= FACE A FIRING SQUAD!! :P

[stephen]

This is all just an extremist conspiracy, to keep inteligent people from recognizing, that it is the reed variety of wind instruments, that have become the bane of society! I mean, come on, have we already forgotten about the Chicago clarinet maasacre? Well if we have, the extremists have succeeded!