Song lyrics-- appreciate input!

[hotraman]

Hello all;

Thanks in advance for helping me improve my lyric writing.
Steve

“In Strength and Quiet Passion”


V1. Now is the time … to tell you how much I love You.

You’ve always been there… in strength and quiet passion.

This is my song … to say that You have healed me.

You’ve always been there… in strength and quiet passion

You alone… are great. You’re the One who saves…


V2. My soul finds rest in Your presence. Your word speaks truth to me.

All that I have, is Yours to use, my King and Redeemer.

You alone are great, You’re the One who saves….


Bridge: When storms of life appear, Your love casts out all fear

All that we are, dares to believe, that You can … make us new.


Ending lyric tag:

You alone are great. You’re the One who saves!

repeat and fade out

[davesg]

I like what you say in these lyrics, but I am not sure how well it flows. Have you written a melody for the song yet?

[reverbbb]

Great message.

Just some rambling thoughts:

I have difficulty with the word 'You've' when I write songs. When I go back and review my songs that I write, I find that the word 'You've' is like a shortcut for the sake of timing. After a little contemplation, I usually find a way to improve the meaning of that line and ommit the word 'You've'. But generally, I have to restructure it completely in order to ommit that word. You may be perfectly fine with this word. I'm sure that it is used in many other songs.

In the first verse, you seem to be developing a motif by repeating "You’ve always been there… in strength and quiet passion." However, the second verse does not have this. I get all warm and fuzzy when I hear semetry or theme repeats in a song. But sometimes art is not like that.

"Now is the time … to tell you how much I love You." could be changed to "Now is the time … to declair/shout/say how much I love You." I don't know your melody idea. But this may assist in timing.

The second line in V2 has two commas. That may present a timing issue depending on the melody.

"dares to believe" does not seem to support the other portion of the lyric line. Perhaps because you left out some more qualifier words for the sake of timing.

I generally like songs that re-enforce the title. Thusly, supporting the theme. This song could use a little more re-enforcement to the theme of "In Strength and Quiet Passion". I am left asking the questions (as a songwriter), "Who's strength, strength in what?". You touch on a few points about the passion, but you could firm up how He brings about the passion.

The song is full of wonderful thoughts. The song could have a stronger impact if the thoughts were organized toward re-enforcing the title with some conciseness and apparent purpose. At this point, the song's purpose seems to be your passion and a collection of praises. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this approach.

Recently, I have started outlining my song before I write the first lines. I establish the theme, the audience and the purpose. It helps me 'fill the sack' (the sack being the theme boundries).

I make these observations out of love and not criticism. I am far from proffessional, so my observations may be how I see the world and may not apply to your song.

[hotraman]

Hello alll!
thanks for the comments.
These are great points to consider!
I want intake that is not bias...Its all very good!
Thanks so much!!
steve